Tag Archives: love

Opening Your Eyes – From a Different Perspective

When someone saw me being friendly with my ex at my daughters sports game a few weekends ago, they commented “Oooh … you two looked very friendly.  Has he met anyone else and do you think he wants you back? “  I responded with, “Yeah, he’d want me back alright, just so he could plan my death better next time around!”

Okay, so maybe I didn’t say that, but I certainly thought it, as seriously, my relationship with my ex got so bad at one point, I remember saying to my sister when we were heading off on a sailing vacation once;

“If I suddenly go missing overboard on this holiday, you know he pushed me right!”

So trust me when I say, I have no candles burning in my house for my ex, however what I don’t have is bitterness or hatred, as I believe what happens in the past, should stay in the past.  However that doesn’t mean you can’t learn from the past, and that’s what today’s story is all about.

When I think back about my ex and my relationship, it was mostly  a pretty shitty one, that ended on no less than shitty terms, especially after a three year court battle. However we did share some magical moments, including the birth of our beautiful daughter, who always seems to help us bond, even still today.  So life, is now somewhat harmonious between us, mainly for her sake of course, but also because we have both been able to emotionally move on.

However being able to understand why things happen in a relationship, even if in hindsight, helps us learn from our mistakes and hopefully become a better person.  Whilst I thought most of my lessons had been learnt, this week I discovered, there were still more to come.

This revelation came to me following a holiday mishap, which resulted in my daughter and I being placed in a destination, that I was last seen at with my ex, an exclusive playground, for the rich and infamous.  So in order to reduce the stress of the transportation mishap, I decided to stay there the night, which ended up costing me double what I initially budgeted for, in holiday costs.

This little misfortune got me thinking about the crux of what my ex and I would argue about, which was money mostly; and had me questioning my own perceptions of this and my once frivolous view of it all.  I started to wonder how strongly I held on to my beliefs back then, or should I say my ego, and what difference it would have made had I tried to view things differently, without the ego!

I think most of us understand that the  ego is the cause of ALL great conflicts, don’t we?  So I wonder, if we were more able to shift our perception during the course of an argument, by putting our ego on hold, even if for a moment; what would actually ensue?

“Everybody has their perceptions of life. Who’s is more more important, is what we tend to argue about.”

I have spent the last 5 years analysing all the things I have done in my past relationships, the last one being first and foremost in mind: as that was probably one of my worst, whilst also being one of my greatest. Seeing life from your partners perspective, can change the way you view the world and could shift the ground on which you firmly stand.

So this little holiday mishap I experienced during the week, taught me another life lesson. In fact I would even go so far as to say it was a light bulb moment.  I finally realised why we argued so much, and if I had of shifted my perspective a little, things could have been different today.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to, or expect it would have changed our path, as we were equally as strong willed and stubborn as one another.  However a bit of perspective changing from both sides might have done us both a world of good.

Either way, it’s another good life lesson we can learn from, and as I tweeted this week:

“If you close and open your eyes with a different perspective, you understand what is going on a whole lot better.”

So life is a journey, and if we choose to learn from the lessons provided on that journey, then we can grow into better people; and hopefully take those lessons into our next relationship, with peace and happiness in our heart.

As always, happy to hear your perspective.  So please feel free to comment below if you have experienced an epiphany like this, at one time or another in your life.

Yours truly

A.R.T

Are Virtual Relationships Healthy?

Robert Weiss wrote an article for the online magazine, Psychology Today, where he talks about virtual relationships. The parallels he draws from the movie Her, in which he describes the real emotions that are felt during such virtual relationships, is pretty spot on, and from my experience it’s real and happening today.
 

So if you do get the chance to read the full article, I highly recommend it. (Click here to read the full article on Psychologytoday.com) 

Otherwise, here are some excerpts of what I think summarises the digital relationship choice really well. Although I would beg to differ in one area, which is that it mainly only applies to the younger folk.  I have met three men in six months that have chosen to have digital relationships, and some that still are; and they are all 43+.  So it isn’t just happening to the younger folk, it’s a growing phenomena effecting us all!

 
Her is Happening Already!
 
While some older folks (digital immigrants) might find this bizarre, younger people typically do not. For them, digital life and real-world life are merely two sides of the same coin, each to be enjoyed, nurtured, and cherished, with neither side more real, more important, or more meaningful than the other.
 
So interacting on an emotional level with a perfectly matched digital creation, as occurs in Her,may not be as far-fetched as many people might think. Nevertheless, Theodore, who sits on the cusp of the digital native/digital immigrant divide, wrestles mightily with the “What is real?” dilemma. In fact, his internal debate on this topic forms the crux of movie.

Further down, Robert wraps up the article with a few very important closing paragraphs. I have bolded the reduction in emotional challenges and increase in control as I believe this is a very real reason for some people to choose digital interactions, over Real Life! 

Are Virtual Relationships Healthy?

Right about now some readers may be wondering about the future of humanity, thinking that if we’re all running around being sexual with avatars and robots and operating systems instead of each other, not much actual procreation will take place.

That, of course, is a rather extreme viewpoint. In actuality, no matter how real technology becomes most emotionally healthy people will eventually find digital/robotic relationships unfulfilling, growing bored with them and longing for the pairing of emotional intimacy with physical intimacy that (as of now) can only be found in the real world with real people. And we should definitely not forget that today, thanks to technological advances, people are able to meet and to develop relationships in new and exciting ways, which actually makes real-world romances more rather than less likely.

 That said, at least a few folks have already opted for tech-sex over IRL encounters, preferring the reduction in emotional challenges and the increase in control that digital interactions provide. And as sexnology improves and proliferates, our expectations of sex and romance will also evolve. Is it possible that at some point real people may not be able to keep pace? Maybe, but only time will tell.

 

Yours Truly

A.R.T.

Can Money Really Buy Love and Happiness?

Whenever I tell someone that I dated not just one, but two … multimillion dollar men, I get the  Oooh … I would love to be with someone rich.  Money would definitely buy my love, or at least make me happy”.

Okay … it may not be exactly what people say, but it is usually what they are thinking!  My brush with fortune and fame really wasn’t just a fleeting moment either.  I had very real experiences to be with incredibly wealthy men, one of which happened to be my teenage sweetheart and the other, my first husband.

Therefore, my story is a very real one, and although I might look to be challenging the status quo here,  I am really just begging the question;

Can money buy love

Most people would assume “Yes it does”, particularly love.  However, from my first hand experience of this, I can honestly say; that money doesn’t always buy love or happiness for that matter.  If anything, it often brings out the self doubt and resentment, mostly from the greed,  affluent folk experience from those surrounding them.

Sometimes though, it’s just from within their own ego to be bigger and better than everyone else, or at least that’s the way it appears from the outside.   Based on some of the discussions I have had with my wealthier friends, they say “money can become your definition and that’s the sad trap of it all”.   So whilst most of these folk didn’t start out thinking that way, it’s often how it ends up, where their total net worth equates to their total self worth.

However what really stands out for me in all this, is in the pursuit of love, sometimes having too much money, can be to your determinant, rather than benefit!

My biggest dilemma now, is knowing when a women is after me for me, or my money?”

This statement was made by my now, very wealthy, first husband sometime back. Unfortunately, after we split, he married what he – with resentment – classifies as “The GOLD digger”.  She not only took him, for his hard earn’t cash, as he describes it, but she also had the audacity, to run off with the pool boy!  Okay I may have used some creative license on the pool boy bit … but she did have an affair, that resulted in her running off with another man!!!

I guess, he understandably still feels the deep pain of betrayal here, and who would blame him really!  So our friendship is based on the credibility I hold in his eyes, as when we met, he had next to nix; but we managed to build reasonable wealth in our time together, not great but enough.  However, when we broke up, I said:

“I know it was mainly due to your position, that we have made most of this money, so I don’t want to hurt you anymore by taking that as well”.   Very noble of me I know, but they were genuine, heart felt words.

Needless to say, he was gobsmacked with my authenticity, and as a consequence, proceeded to chase me for 2 years after, begging for my return.  However, even after offers of a jet setting life, full of abundance: I chose to slog it out my way, and repeated my mantra;

Money will never buy my love.”

Innately though, I must have figured already back then, that I may one day end up being the Lonely Housewife, complaining about how much her husband travelled, or how he was never around for the kids special day at school.

Poorer folk, forget just how hard the wealthy have had to work, to get to where they are today; and it’s usually during this money machine process, that a lot of marriages go astray.

Most men say they don’t want a women to be attracted to them for their money, however this is the very antithesis of the results they achieve, from having it!

So when I see men, like my first husband and another wealthy male friend of mine, who are genuine and kind; but shrouded in scepticism and doubt at the inauthenticity that money often brings out in others, then I feel a sense of sadness.

I am therefore more convinced, that living with less, can sometimes be more”, and if there is anything this life journey has taught me, it is:

“Life is boring without a challenge, and having too much of anything, means you can lose sight of what’s important, which is love and happiness.

As always, this is my story, but please feel free to leave your thoughts and comments, as I am always happy to respond to any thoughts or indifference to this.

Yours Truly

A.R.T