Tag Archives: menanddating

Have You Met Someone With A “Relationship Hangover”?

Dating in the second hand market inevitably means, you meet a lot of people with that smell of an Ex lurking in the closet, or what I aptly describe as a “Relationship Hangover”.

Now, I know some of you may think that I should or must have at least one hangover, especially considering my Ex File list (read my About Me page if that makes no sense to you).  BUT … I assure you, I don’t suffer any hangovers … well apart from alcohol related ones!

hangover

Picture courtesy of Singlemindedwomen.com

In fact, my ex is so far away from my closet, that when someone saw him and I being friendly at our daughters sports game this weekend, and had the stupidity to say; “Ooooh … you two seem to be getting along well, do you think he wants you back and would you ever get back together? ”

I responded dryly with; “Yeah, he’d want me back alright, just so he could plan my death better the next time around”!

So whilst I might’n look to have just carry on baggage for this life journey: I definitely don’t have that smell of an Ex lurking in my closet.

What then inspired me to write this story you might ask?

Well this year, I ended up attracting and dating two men who both happened to have, that smell of an Ex lurking closely in their Closet.  Coincidently … or not, neither of the women these men were still holding a candle for; happened to be their Ex wives … funny that!

So why then, would someone choose to re-enter the dating scene, if they haven’t resolved these hangovers and is it just men, or do women suffer from relationship hangovers?

From my experience, and the many hundreds of alcohol induced discussions, I have had with my female friends, it definitely seems to effect our male population more, than it does us females.

We women all seem to agree, that it is probably due to our biological makeup of pain resistance, in which of course was originally designed to help women get over the pain of childbirth; that we may be better at letting go of our emotional pain too.  After-all, if we didn’t have this biological make-up, then the human race would be extinct … don’t you think!

Now, I know it looks like I am pointing fingers at the male race here, but I am not really.  I am just trying to understand why so many men, in my age group have relationship hangovers.  

Anyway, this question did prompt me, to do some research on the subject; and in particular, why it takes some people (men supposedly), longer to get over an ex than others.

Well, according to an article I read on psychologicalscience.org which was aptly name “Why Love Literally Hurts”, their research shows that,

Physical Pain Dies, Lost Love Doesn’t

“Social and physical pain had more in common than merely causing distress – they share sensory brain regions too” and to add injury to the already emotionally wounded, they say “A kick to the groin might feel just as bad as a breakup in the moment, but while the physical aching goes away, the memory of lost love can linger forever”.

So whilst lust might wear off, according to this article, LOVE could linger forever!

Shiekes” … I say to myself, “what hope is there for those of us sitting on the second hand market then?”  I understand the hangover stuff due to the – “You know we were married with children once” – but to now add old lovers to this mix; well then that just adds a bad odour in my books.

It therefore can be frustrating meeting someone in your 40’s, when they have a relationship hangover (lost-LOVE-lingering), along with children and an ex wives club.

The Robert Evansex head of paramount pictures and the famous producer of “Love Story” – tweeted this a few weeks back;

I thought at the time … ‘he couldn’t be more right!  BUT … How do we even get from lust to love, if everyone is holding on to their past LOVES?’

Maybe that’s just the way it is on the second hand dating market, but my advice to any man suffering from this type of hangover;  Google … “How to get over your ex in 5 easy steps” … not that I am hinting, or anything like that!!!

Anyway, as usual, I am always keen to hear your story, so please feel free to use the comments section, following this post.  Otherwise, thanks for reading and until next time … keep smiling.

Yours Truly

A.R.T

It Takes Two To Tango In Sex, But How Do You Establish That Connection?

This is always an interesting subject that manages to get nearly everyone’s attention. Especially so, when we are talking about connection, and whether it’s necessary with the person you are currently having, or intend to have sex with.

Inspired nearly always by discussions with friends and foes; it was during a conversation I had with my girlfriend yesterday, when we were talking about life after marriage, and in particular how you ‘meet a man’ then build enough chemistry to want to sleep with them.

“The meeting of men is easy, the tricky part is building the connection – in order to have the desired chemistry – needed to have ‘great sex’“.

I explained; “Whilst I have had a just ‘over a couple’ of one night stands, throughout the course of my 25+ years as a consenting adult, none of which were any where near fulfilling; and all of which I can categorically say, were to help me get over a lost love.”

So she then asked, “How do you establish the ‘connection‘ with a man you’ve just met, and exactly how long does it take, to find this ‘connection‘ before you want to jump in the sack?”

“Well, the ‘how long it takes’ is purely up to you” I said. “Every individual is different, and it sometimes comes down to your personal belief system, or religious morals, to determine exactly how long it should take.”

The important part is”… I continued; “it should be when you feel ‘close enough’, or ‘ready’ to share more than just a conversation about oral hygiene or grooming habits” … my joke, hygiene and grooming habits always seem to come up in my pre sex conversations.

So speaking purely now, from my own perspective: I can honestly say that my physicality has often driven most men to distraction.  However, I have somehow managed to get at least a 4 week lead time out of my longer term relationships, some even longer, depending on circumstances.

So why is lead time so important?

Well time allows for a mental connection to be developed … sorry if I sound like I am stating the obvious here: but while at first I thought this connection was only important for the women, it seems the more people I talked too across the genders, the more consistent the message. Men need a connection too!

This isn’t of course speaking for all men, and it isn’t really a surprise to me; but to some women, it may very well be.  I remember what my ex lover said during the 4 week lead up towards rolling in the hay together.

“Men need to feel connected to a women for sex to feel good, or great even, and it definitely ‘Takes Two To Tango’“.

Then today, I read an article on onegentlemansperspective.com called “the-only-rule-a-guy-needs-to-get-laid”.  To quote this particular gentlemen directly, he says; 

“Sex means nothing without that thing, which comes through a genuine connection you build with someone. Others can disagree, and believe sex without a mental connection is far greater. That is your right, but it is mine to disagree.”

I guess then, in summary of my girlfriend and my discussion.

NO, great sex doesn’t happen without establishing a connection or some feeling / chemistry prior.

As for how do you meet a man that you can have that with?

Well, that perhaps is the million dollar question, sitting on the lips of every single woman, living on this planet right now.

My experience is though: YES, you can absolutely meet someone after marriage, and develop an amazing connection that leads to great sex. However, like with all good things, it takes time and patience … lots and LOTS of patience!!!

Love to hear your comments on this, in the meantime though happy connecting.

Your’s Truly

A.R.T 

 

 

Online Dating: Does It Eventually Wear You Down?

In my earlier years of singledom, when I wasn’t fending off the 30’s somethings, who were clearly looking to either snag a cougar or gain a mother figure, I was trying to work out where all the 40 something’s played.  Having a major aversion to online dating (after a pathetic attempt at it in the early stages of my separation), I finally mustered the courage to rejoin the ranks this year, starting with eHarmony then the ever so popular Tinder App.

Now to my surprise there were many other 40 something males playing in the same playground, especially on Tinder. In fact, eHarmony was so scant of any good quality anything, that I gave up on it after only 6 weeks … what a total waste of time and money that was!

So Tinder it was, however, after over 3 months of Tinderversing, I finally got to break point, where I desperately needed a rest from the Dog and Pony show of online dating. In the article I posted by Susan Winters last week, she talks about “Dating 98 men in 9 months”, and concludes it’s just not for her. Well I guess I have now come to that same conclusion.

When I first joined Tinder, a few of my male friends had warned me that this would happen. They said “you get sick of it after a while”.

When I asked why, they said “well you often don’t get to meet “The One”, more just the “The One – for Fun”; or if you’re lucky, you might even make a good friend out of it, but don’t expect to meet Mr Right here”.

So after a few months of starting, stopping and swapping conversations, I realised they were right.  Whilst the numbers were there in droves, the quality of the people I found on Tinder, were … let’s just say, less than appealing as time wore on.

It was now an effort to look, swipe and type, even with red wine and jammies for comfort. The fickle attitudes of most of the daters on this site, and their little white lies about their age or dating agenda, just became too hard to stomach.

Is this what they have warned me about, when you reach Online Dating Fatigue?

Don’t get me wrong, I met some really lovely people on Tinder, and even managed to have a 6 week affair with one, who was living and working here on a temporary visa.  However soon after that ended, due to a conflict in our dating agenda’s, I realised I didn’t have the gumption to continue the charade of looking for someone online anymore.

My experience however wasn’t fruitless, as I got to see how one of the worlds fastest growing online dating sites actually worked, and whilst it was fun for a while, the less than authentic daters wore me down.

So where too now, you might ask?

Well that’s anyone’s guess, but maybe I should take on the advice of the beautiful Stephanie Simons, who only recently launched her book, “All’s Fair In Love and Wardrobe”.  Here she provides us with the rules on Fashion and Dating; and even includes some interesting ideas, such as that of Rule 35:

Whilst this certainly made me LMAO, as I could just imagine a bunch of yummy mummies, still looking fab with their yoga trim bodies, trying to give away their used & crusty ex husbands, but I think for my age group, that’s a “No, thank you”!

I guess that means, it’s back to the drawing board for me then, and whilst I have yet to try some of the other, non online forms of dating, such a speed dating and latin dance dating, then I think I might take a break from the online dating world; just for a while anyway.

Always keen to hear your experiences as always; particularly if you have been worn down by the initial allure of online dating?

Yours Truly

A.R.T