It’s called listening skills.
Inspired always by my real life events, these past few years as a single mother of two and as a believer in Real Love, has taught me a thing or two about sex, love, marriage, kids and of course divorce … prefer to forget about the last one!
But before I start this journey, let me clarify that it’s not for lack of interest that I have had less than eventful moments – in my sex life – these past few years. I am offered many opportunities to partake in ‘les affair’ or to be more franc, casual sexual encounters. However for me, there needs to be – apart from the obvious physical attraction – some quality to the relationship with which I intend to be sexually engaged with. That along with a degree of Trust is imperative, otherwise it’s meaningless.
Historically, when I have attempted to have sexual relationships without love, I have been unsuccessful. As I get older though, I am beginning to believe that having a mature relationship with someone of my age, means you have to be open minded to this – to begin with at least!
You see I don’t need someone ‘To Complete Me’, that’s null and void and probably always has been to be honest; but especially so after two marriages, two kids and now a full time blogging career to embark upon. Therefore I really am only looking for someone to share ‘Some of my time’ … not … ‘All of my time’ with. The questions this raises however are as follows;
From my experience, the answer to the first question is: you can make it as complicated or as difficult as you want it to be, but if you really want to be with someone you will make the time, simple as that!
The second is far more complicated when children and work are involved and the last, well I can only imagine the can of worms I am opening with that question, as there will be many a varied views for each and everyone of us. So let’s begin then with question B).
With my own recent life experiences foremost in mind, I will refer to each story individually as Case Studies.
Case Study 1 – The SAF
Soon after I started my online dating adventures with Tinder, I met a Tinderfella over lunch, whom I’ll refer to as the SAF. It took more than a week from the point of our first contact before we could actually meet, due to children and work commitments: the SAF however, was worth the wait. He was just on 52 (but looked 42), extremely tall, fit and by far the most handsome man I had met on Tinder. He was financially successful and a single father of three children, all varying in ages, but not dissimilar to my own, so our stats matched.
With the sparks flying, he was after all very handsome … did I already say that … it was some three hours later, that the conversation started to draw to a close. The SAF, who I had by now worked out was much like myself – very matter of fact and very realistic with life’s expectations – decided to broach the inevitable subject of ‘where too from here?’. Only he didn’t ask it quite like that, instead he said this.
The SAF – verbatim: “Well … now that we have established our commonalities, and we actually like each other, what’s next? I mean you live on the opposite side of the harbour, have two children and a busy schedule – as do I – so neither of us have much time, and” … he continues almost in afterthought … “so what, with your two and my three, that would make seven of us – neither of us have a car big enough to accommodate the ‘lot of us’, so how’s this ever gonna work!”
“Bahahahahaha” … I nearly spit the remainder of my coffee all over him as I blurt out a belly crunching laugh. I couldn’t believe he just said that … sheesh … I think to myself , he’s so hot but … I would hate to admit it … he’s also so Right!
‘What on earth would we do – if we really did hit it off and tried making a go of it, what would happen longer term?’ Of course I didn’t say this to him, instead I said:
“Whoa, steady on cowboy, we only just met! How about we just stay in the present and enjoy this little moment of free and uninhibited flirtation and maybe we can consider all these facts, after we have had some time to think about it.” Then I added – possibly for cause and effect: “As maybe … just maybe we could consider having a non-committed sexual relationship”.
His eyes nearly popped out of his head as I made such a suggestion, but in his true – pragmatic form, he responded with:
“Really, you could do that, have a non-committed sexual relationship and not want something more?”
I answered truthfully, “No – of course not, especially not from my past experiences: but what do people of our age do, particularly with busy schedules and circumstances like ours? I mean where do you start, and do you bother starting anything at all?” … I say in earnest.
After a little more discussion on this topic, we both use our very real and practical natures to deduce that it would just be ‘Too Complicated’ to make work, especially with our double ‘Ex files’ (yes he had two different mothers for his brood too).
This now brings me to the reason for concluding so quickly, why this arrangement would never work – Case Study 2.
Case Study 2 – The JEM
I actually met CS2 before CS1, earlier this year, and not through Tinder. CS2 is one of my offline Case Studies, and talk about two worlds circling … but never quite colliding – until one day we met! This man not only lived within 2kms of me, but was nearly always flying in the same direction as me, just at different times. Anyway, when we did finally meet, the sparks flew, and everyone saw them. Not only was I gobsmacked, I think I may have been rendered speechless for a bit … rare I know, but true if I am really taken aback.
The JEM, is just shy of 44 (only 1.75 years my junior), incredibly masculine in stature (6ft 3inches tall), naturally blessed with perfect features, is highly intelligent and one of only five tenors in a local choir. So not only did he have a honey sweet voice, but charisma that made every woman who fell in his path, fall instantly in love. Needless to say, I was one of those woman, but especially so when he used his witty charms to not only humour me, but woo me. I think it was when he said this that I truly lost it:
“The minute I locked eyes with you … I was lost … and that is when I started flirting my balls off”!
I had my usual ‘belly crunching – LOL’ moment at the flirting comment … but boy … was this man good with his words or what!
Naturally and not long after meeting, we managed to get ourselves into a heady romance that included sex, love and a marriage proposal – not our own of course. I not only met his sister & her partner, but got invited to the family farm for easter (which was 2 months away at this stage), but also was requested to accompany him to a wedding within the first week of meeting him, taken on a romantic night away to the family beach house and at one stage, met Aunty Mary who loved playing backgammon.
Giddy, heady and totally going to come crashing down at some point … but hey ... I was living in the moment!
You see, on day 1 in our mutual moment of over sharing, he playfully told me how he had previously been admitted to a psych ward for what they claim to be ‘BiPolar’ … as he said with quotation marked fingers … but he was now in control of that!
Therefore, I paid no real attention to the delicate balance of which this beautiful specimen of a mans mental health really hung.
So when his world did came crashing down, as it naturally would – only one month later, I was emotionally ill prepared. I felt like it was a ‘Travesty of Justice’ to be robbed of this opportunity to be with such a beautiful soul, as everything else was … well everything else was just perfect!
That then lead me to suggest – in one of my typical brain explosion moments – “That if we couldn’t have a proper relationship, then maybe we could continue the sexual relationship with no-commitments. At least then he could have ‘his little meltdowns’ without feeling responsible to me.”
The JEM’s response was to be expected … “Really, well as if I am going to say no to that offer!”
So that night and the next day, we tried ‘sex with no-commitments’ … and a day was all it lasted! Once the potential for true love had been lost and the reality of his inner most turmoil, surfaced to haunt him like a ghost in the night (only day for him), everything changed for me.
No longer did I feel the magic! Instead I felt the cold isolation that one feels when they know there is no hope of a future together. Unless you are clinical about sex, and can remain emotionally detached, then “Sex with no-commitment” just doesn’t work for me – not in the long term anyway. It can be okay for a bit, but eventually we want it to be bigger and better than just great sex, and without the personal and emotional, the sex gets Real Empty – Real quick!
BUT … that’s my take!
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences with this, so feel free to drop me an email, or leave a comment below.
A Real Tinderella
Well here’s a fun science lesson for the day.
Excerpt from Ted lessons
Romantic chemistry is all about warm, gooey feelings that gush from the deepest depths of the heart…right? Not quite. Actually, the real boss behind attraction is your brain, which runs through a very quick, very complex series of calculations when assessing a potential partner. Dawn Maslar explores how our five senses contribute to this mating game, citing some pretty wild studies along the way.