Why every single woman needs a Diggler, in their life.

In the search for Mr Right, or Mr Right Now, it is important to remember, and make time for the other important (and often useful) people in your life.

In the search for Mr Right, or Mr Right Now, it is important to remember, and make time for the other important (and often useful) people in your life.

I know what you’re thinking; Dirk Diggler and the movie about John Holmes of Boogie Nights fame, with his extraordinary … umm appeal … well your wrong.

I have what every single woman needs or wants, and should most definitely have; that’s a Mr Fix it who, in my case so happens to be named Dirk. So the name association with Diggler, is really just a coincidence, and only popped into my head when I thought of this story title … I have never watched a Dirk Diggler movie … or atleast, have no recollection of ever doing so.

So, now that we are clear on that part, I think every single woman needs a male friend like Dirk, whom I will affectionately refer to as DD in this article.  

Why you ask, do we need a DD then, if he’s not actually a Dirk Diggler?

Until this weekend, I didn’t realise how lucky I was to have my very own DD. Not only has my DD been a great friend to have throughout my single years, he’s always been there to;

• Remind me that I’m okay when I’m down and out.
• Wine and Dine with me, when I’m feeling up and out.
• Do all the manly things we all need doing and have to begrudgingly admit our ex used to, or fail to do …

NOW, a DD doesn’t have to be an ex boyfriend or potential lover. In fact you don’t want him to be any of those because, well, we all know what happens if you get mixed up with an ex again. Imagine then if you slept with your DD, and let’s just say his personal tool box wasn’t as well … diversified, as the one he carries in his car: then who would you call?

So a great mate he is, and lucky for me, my DD was already in a long-term, loving relationship. Therefore there was never any chance of his tools getting mislaid … because I believe in the sisterhood.

Admittedly, I made damn sure that our friendship was sustained throughout my romantic relationships, no matter how jealous my ex would get at times, therefore this DD didn’t just drop out of the sky when I broke up. He’s been in my life for more than 10 years.

I also don’t want to limit your thoughts on this DD’s to that of just the tool-shed. This is every woman’s dream man, as he can do more than one thing at a time, yes that’s right ladies … he’s multi-talented, and therefore an even greater threat to his own species.

This is a man that can not only erect, I mean, assemble a piece of furniture in a flash, but likes to eat good food and drink fine wine at the hippest restaurants and wine bars, across town.

But if this isn’t enough to make you salivate with jealousy at my joyous freedom and helping man hand: this DD has a mother, who struggled through life as a single parent too. Thus the man has empathy, which – as we all may know, is very often the missing chip.

So he gets my plight and knows everything there is to know about women’s health too … god love those of us who raise boys to understand women!

Of course having him there for all this, plus to provide me with a male’s perspective on all my single life/dating woes, well need I say more!

The moral of my story is: you must keep your friends near and dear, this includes male friends, because if the ship sinks in the middle of the Atlantic, then you want to make sure you have a good strong friend with an oar in hand, to be at your rescue.

Though this is my story, I am always keen to hear if any of you have a similar story about a DD, or equivalent fabulous male in your lives.

Yours truly,

A.R.T

It Takes Two To Tango In Sex, But How Do You Establish That Connection?

This is always an interesting subject that manages to get nearly everyone’s attention. Especially so, when we are talking about connection, and whether it’s necessary with the person you are currently having, or intend to have sex with.

Inspired nearly always by discussions with friends and foes; it was during a conversation I had with my girlfriend yesterday, when we were talking about life after marriage, and in particular how you ‘meet a man’ then build enough chemistry to want to sleep with them.

“The meeting of men is easy, the tricky part is building the connection – in order to have the desired chemistry – needed to have ‘great sex’“.

I explained; “Whilst I have had a just ‘over a couple’ of one night stands, throughout the course of my 25+ years as a consenting adult, none of which were any where near fulfilling; and all of which I can categorically say, were to help me get over a lost love.”

So she then asked, “How do you establish the ‘connection‘ with a man you’ve just met, and exactly how long does it take, to find this ‘connection‘ before you want to jump in the sack?”

“Well, the ‘how long it takes’ is purely up to you” I said. “Every individual is different, and it sometimes comes down to your personal belief system, or religious morals, to determine exactly how long it should take.”

The important part is”… I continued; “it should be when you feel ‘close enough’, or ‘ready’ to share more than just a conversation about oral hygiene or grooming habits” … my joke, hygiene and grooming habits always seem to come up in my pre sex conversations.

So speaking purely now, from my own perspective: I can honestly say that my physicality has often driven most men to distraction.  However, I have somehow managed to get at least a 4 week lead time out of my longer term relationships, some even longer, depending on circumstances.

So why is lead time so important?

Well time allows for a mental connection to be developed … sorry if I sound like I am stating the obvious here: but while at first I thought this connection was only important for the women, it seems the more people I talked too across the genders, the more consistent the message. Men need a connection too!

This isn’t of course speaking for all men, and it isn’t really a surprise to me; but to some women, it may very well be.  I remember what my ex lover said during the 4 week lead up towards rolling in the hay together.

“Men need to feel connected to a women for sex to feel good, or great even, and it definitely ‘Takes Two To Tango’“.

Then today, I read an article on onegentlemansperspective.com called “the-only-rule-a-guy-needs-to-get-laid”.  To quote this particular gentlemen directly, he says; 

“Sex means nothing without that thing, which comes through a genuine connection you build with someone. Others can disagree, and believe sex without a mental connection is far greater. That is your right, but it is mine to disagree.”

I guess then, in summary of my girlfriend and my discussion.

NO, great sex doesn’t happen without establishing a connection or some feeling / chemistry prior.

As for how do you meet a man that you can have that with?

Well, that perhaps is the million dollar question, sitting on the lips of every single woman, living on this planet right now.

My experience is though: YES, you can absolutely meet someone after marriage, and develop an amazing connection that leads to great sex. However, like with all good things, it takes time and patience … lots and LOTS of patience!!!

Love to hear your comments on this, in the meantime though happy connecting.

Your’s Truly

A.R.T 

 

 

Profiling Your Potential Match Online: Easy As Pie!

As you may have noticed by now, I enjoy sharing all my online dating wisdom with my sense of humour in check, so I feel there is no better way to start this story, than with this little drawing by endless origami …

Did you hear that Stalking is now Socially Acceptable?

This particular cartoon made me laugh, but it also prompted me to share my own experience in stupidity, in what I would call my more exuberant days using online dating sites.

As I have always been an over sharer, I took no real precautions to protect my relatively quiet and somewhat average day life as a single mother, apart from the more obvious privacy settings on my medium of choice at the time, which happened to be Facebook.  What I didn’t get – until it happened to me – was just how easy it is to profile someone from their online presence or timeline as we all know it, particularly after you give someone the Right to be your “friend”.

It’s bad enough that Facebook studied our emotional status updates recently, which showed us just how exposed we are, however you don’t think about your FB friends analysing you in that way!  So here we are – or there I was – willy nilly posting stuff about my and my kids life on my timeline, but not for one moment considering what that exposes about me to others!

Now maybe it’s just all the single peeps out there, like me, constantly sharing our day to day activities, although I do notice a large share of married folk on Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook now joining in the ranks. FB however was my only online Social Media crime of choice.

It was here that I told the story of my life, either through a simple status update or via photo bombardments: which came as either singular mobile uploads or as wad of photos added to a new album.  What this told everyone was:

• my financial position (with pictures of my holidays, new car or house), 
• my preferences for where and what I liked to eat,
• what I liked to wear (my style),
• and even who I would typically socialise with.

Other photo posting mediums do the same, maybe not to the same degree, but they still tell a story. Twitter too tells a story, as even though it is mainly for thought based over-sharers, the anecdotal references made here and there, as well as the satire comedy, often gives away their emotional state: because if you read between the lines of these tweeters, it’s often a disparaging remark about someone or something, unless they are just pedalling their wares

So as an amateur online dating Tinderella, I made two fundamental mistakes;

1. Not using the security feature on Facebook to lock down my contact number so that only I could see it. That meant that any general public member could search my number, via their own Facebook account, and would find what was public on my profile (meaning anything I hadn’t already locked down, such as my profile pics and cover photos).  
2. The other was just how much of my life I exposed to my so called friends, each time I posted something on my timeline.

The first mistake, I put down to New to Online dating – Rookie Error, as hardly anyone I knew actually knows about this search functionality.  The second however, was just one of pure naivety, on my part.

So why the lesson in our social media privacy?

Well within 48 hours of matching and talking to this online dater, I stupidly gave him my FB details thinking “what harm could it do?”  After all he gave me his business website and FB account first, so I knew who he was at least. Plus, I had previously become instant friends with people that I would meet at a party or bar, only 2 hours prior.  Therefore I had no real qualms in sharing my online profile, particularly if they shared their details first!

BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME!

Talking to someone for copious hours on the phone vs meeting someone in real life, removes many important elements in being able to assess someone’s emotional state.  Apart from the most obvious eye to eye contact, you can miss important physical sensory queues, such as their smell, posture, choice in clothing, shoes etc. Online pictures and words only really tell half a story, after-all a short guy can make himself really tall if the photo is taken from below the belt … get my drift!

So when this online dater saw pictures of my children, the car I drove, the house I live in, the clothes I wear etc … etc: he made an executive decision there and then – and all by himself, that he was going to marry me and ward off any potential suitors for my daughter who – using his words “is unbelievably beautiful, just like her mother. So I can already see myself taking to any boy that wants to date her with a baseball bat when she turns 16”.

Not only did my heart start beating faster than Hussein Bolt’s would have, waiting at the starting line for his 100m race, but I realised just how emotionally needy and desperate this poor man really was, just to be with someone.

Was it his fault that he was getting ahead of himself – imagining what a life could be like with me – no not really!  After-all I was the one that handed him the keys to view my life didn’t I. Yes, I thought what harm could be done, afterall it was mostly in picture format with a few anecdotal remarks here and there, but when I had a good look through my timeline, I could see how clearly my life was mapped like a kids treasure map.

That little experience of course, had me to locking down my Facebook account faster than Hussein Bolt could run his 100m … but “WOW’ aren’t I the Tom Fool for not seeing this coming!

Whilst my lax attitude towards online security taught me a huge lesson, the biggest lesson by far was just how much we tell our “friends and acquaintances” about ourselves in our seemingly everyday posts, and exactly how much of our lives do we really want to share!

Anyway, as always that’s my story so I would be happy to hear from anyone (guys and girls) this has happened to, and what you did to protect yourself from over-exposure!

Yours Truly

A Real Tinderella

Some wise words to remind us each day